Day 10

Just pulled into Las Cruces New Mexico about an hour ago. Just sitting in the public library. Spent the past few nights out on some desert road and was thinking about staying there another night, but talked to boarder patrol this morning and decided it was best to move on. He didn't hassle me at all (Sweet, sweet pale white skin. Screams AMERICA) but I don't want to risk suspicion anymore than living in a van already does. Also, I made a little video last night, which I'll also post in place of pictures.

I did some writing while I was out there, and will post it. It's pretty much just a conversation, and I don't know what it means or if anything, but what the hell, why not post it.


Two men are sitting in a diner, drinking coffee while nursing hangovers from the night before.

“I’ve been thinking...”

“About your sexuality? Everyone knows...”

“Yeah, exactly. But seriously, I’ve been thinking about all the girls I’ve ever slept with.”

“Oh, yeah, man. I do that too. A lot.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about the ones I loved, the ones that loved me. That kind of stuff.”

“You know you tend to romanticize the past. You shouldn’t. This is probably unhealthy. Just think about how they let you see them naked. Don’t do the ‘emotional’ focus. That shit fucks you up.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know that. But don’t you ever wonder what really brought you together with all of them? Was it misery? Those are the break ups that hurt the worst. I mean, you’re already fucked up. Or the ones where it’s just based on convenience? Those are awkward and always linger, usually relapse. The ones based on familiarity are always messy. You have to do that whole friend divide. It’s almost like divorce. Or loneliness. But, that’s really a lot like the misery one. Or...”

“I get what you’re saying. But, what’s the point? It’s done. Even if you were to get any of them back, it would never be as good. At least not the way you remember things after enough time has passed.”

“That’s not really the point, though.”

“Then what is? If you don’t want her back, why stress over it? It’s best to just cut bait. Don’t try the friend shit- just makes you look like you’re trying to get her back. And definitely don’t do the retroactive apologies or the ‘remember when’s, that just makes you look unstable. Which, of course you are, but you can keep some shit secret.”

“Even with all of that, and you’re right about most of it, God knows we’ve all done that stuff. And done it wrong.”

“Exactly.”

“But, still. Don’t you ever wonder? I mean, what if it didn’t end then? What if I hadn’t been afraid to feel something for her? What if she wouldn’t have been turned off by my insecurity?”

“It would have just been the other way around, then.”

“Well, okay, but let’s assume it wouldn’t be.”

“I don’t see why you’d care, but alright.”

“Thank you. Okay, so let’s just pretend you stayed together. Now, pick one girl from your past, then think of having been with her this whole time. That you stay with her through the future, as well. Alright. Once you have this going, think of all the things you hate about her and everything you love about her. I know you can do this, you’ve spent enough time overanalyzing these things since the second it ended. Now that all of that is building, let it set in and refocus on the time element. What things have changed? Do the things you hate about her become more infuriating? The things you love, do you love more? Have any of them crossed over into the other category? After you answer those questions for yourself, would that life be better than the one you live currently? Do this with a few of the girls from your past later, you’d be surprised what you’ll come up with. Then look and see if the one that you perceive as most ideal is the one you’ve been the most hung up on. It’s just interesting- we cross lives with someone. Spend whatever amount of time with them that we do, then it’s done. Some we talk to still. Some we want to, but they don’t, and of course the other way around. Some we just never see again. But there was always a chance, no matter how minute, that you could have stayed together for whatever reason.”

“Fuck, man. This is why you don’t sleep. You know this, right?”

“Whatever. You never think about shit like this?”

“No way. I just search them online when this stuff works its way into my head. Then I look at their pictures and masturbate, then move on. I’m not saying that’s any less pathetic or creepy. But it’s a hell of a lot quicker a process.”

“So, you take the more animalistic route. I do clumsy intellectualizations. Let me ask you a question- In your house growing up, was you mom or your dad the disciplinarian?”

“My dad. The fucking prick.”

“Alright, that’s what I thought. For me, it was my mother.”

“That explains why you’re such a pussy.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on, try and keep focused. I want to discuss this.”

“I’ll try. You know emotional stuff isn’t natural for me. I always deflect.”

“I know, and I appreciate you playing along. So, for the sake of argument, lets just say that men who were disciplined by their fathers go about things like you and when it’s by the mother, they take my line of thinking.”

“Okay, I’m with you.”

“What, then, would be the effect for women in our position?”

“I think we’re entirely unqualified for this. Seriously, if we knew shit about women, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now having this conversation.”

“I agree, but we’re already working with stuff we’re unqualified for, so just humor me.”

“Well, I suppose there are too many variables. Like who were her parents disciplined by?

“Just assume if it’s a father filling that roll, it’s your’s. You have a sister, you have some idea how their interactions went. If it’s a mother, you’ve been around mine enough, just use that model.”

“Well, I guess Dad was always softer with my sister. He understood he would have some role in who she chose down the line. You’re mom has always been more critical of your sister. As if she didn’t want her making the same mistakes.”

“Exactly. This is what I’m getting at. When that role is filled by the same sex parent, they’re often trying to prevent the child from picking up their flaws. When it’s by the opposite sex, they’re setting an example or how you should look to be treated as well as teaching you how to treat future significant others. Now, with this providing the basis, what would you expect to see in a woman’s development if neither parent fills this role? Rather, one is a comforter while the other is resentful and harsh. Neither providing actual structure just emotional reactions.”

“Really? This is fucked, man. Neither of us is any where near intelligent enough for this.”

“Just play along.”

“Alright. I guess, then, if it’s the mother that causes the discomfort, I would assume the girl would seek a man that could provide comfort, but would be turned away by any attributes of femininity. She would seek strength and security. I mean, all of this is broad generalization, but that’s all you’re really giving me to work with.”

“No, no. I know that. You’re doing great.”

“Alright, so, let’s say the role is reversed. I’d guess, with a woman, she’d still look for a man that is in control, but probably more in the realm of controlling. The father would still be a model, after all. Again, this is a generalization, as I’m only working with heterosexuality. But, I think she would be drawn to more of an asshole. But an asshole with a certain amount of vulnerability. Guys like us, to be honest.”

“Agreed. Go on.”

“Well, I think she would at first be drawn to the distance. Then grow an appreciation for the hints at an inner softness, some redeeming qualities. The catch, though, is if you show any bit of need for a woman like this, I’m guessing you’ll get rejection. She’ll want you to need her, but will be afraid of having to fill that role. You have to remember, Daddy, in this case, is the one doing the rejecting. She’d need you to be in control emotionally. Both of her and yourself.”

“That’s what I’ve been arriving at too.”

“Okay, neat. I guess. But what are you trying to accomplish with this?”

“Not sure, but let’s go back to the thing where we were imagining a whole life with an ex. I’m assuming you chose someone that rejected you, as those are the ones we tend to want back the most. You know, ego driven. Now, think of all the projections you’ve made for her with what she loved and hated about you. Stretch them out again and get a feel for how this life would have been for her. Then add in the thing you’ve decided she resented the most about you, the reason she ended it, and allow that to build or deconstruct based on how you’ve shaped the rest of this projection. Once you’re there, start working in what we’ve come up with in concerns to the role of her parents.”

“Got it.”

“What does this life look like? For you? For her?”

“Pretty ugly, to be honest.”

“Okay, now just think, this is only the relationship aspect of your life. You still have work, friends, maybe kids.”

“This is fucking depressing. Do you do this often?”

“Yeah, man. All the time.”

“Jesus.”

“So, would you ever want this girl back?”

“Fuck no, man.”

“Okay. Now, switch out your perception of self a bit. The things you really hate about yourself, pretend they aren’t so bad. Then the things you like, tame them a bit. Just bring them towards center, don’t negate.”

“Alright.”

“Is the life still as ugly?”

“Not nearly. I mean, far from perfect, but I wouldn’t be frantically searching for a way to end it like in the earlier projection.”

“Okay, now do the same for the things you chose about her. The good and the bad, bring them more towards the center.”

“Yeah. This would be nice. It’s no where near realistic, though. I mean, it’s easy to be logical about these things retroactively, but you can’t do that in the moment.”

“Of course not.”

“Then, again, I have to ask. What’s the point?”

“There isn’t one, I guess. Just interesting the number of lives you could have had. You know, with all of these past women. Then considering not a one paned out, and we are where we are. And after doing this, you’ll still be prone towards thinking things would have been better with one or more of them. Even though you can understand the unlikeliness of it all.”

The waitress comes by to refill the cups of coffee. Both men place their hands, covering the mugs to signify they’re finished.