Day 23

Today will be my last day in Bay Springs, MS. Tomorrow I will venture Northeast to Daleville to visit an old friend from Washington that's living there with her fiancee. My visit here has been nothing short of wonderful. My aunt Barbara has been welcoming with her warmth and love. I'm so thankful that I made the choice to come visit her. I figure since I've already become more self-confessional here than originally intended, I'll go ahead and keep up the trend. I'm over concealment, it's hard and not really worth it.

Since arriving, I've had a lot of time to think things through, to reflect on what I've learned so far on this trip, and to examine how that correlates to my life up to this point. Being able to do this, being blessed by the silence that is a small town in Mississippi, I've come to terms with a number of things. I've learned that maybe I'm not such the asshole that I make myself out to be. Sure, I've fucked up and I've hurt people. I'm prone towards indulgence and a loose mouth, but I can see how I've made situations worse by allowing the guilt to mount up inside of me. This generally leads to future wrong doings. I'm going to move past that. For anyone I've wronged, I'm sorry. I can understand if it's too late for forgiveness or a rebuilding of relationships. That's alright. I can understand.

I've also been working on accepting the kindness of others. I can see now that people do things for me because they care for me. By being able to finally see this, and to openly accept these acts, I feel that I've gained a greater appreciation for them. I'm no longer looking for the catch. I know where this reaction developed, and that, as well, I am letting go.

I'm doing my best to be a better person. I will continue to be open and honest about my views, my opinions, but I'm releasing myself of cynicism that has often prohibited me from truly being receptive. I'm always willing to be there for anyone that needs someone to talk to. Having developed a better sense of situations such as this, and being on the receiving end of such kindness, I'm happy to return it.

I don't think I'm done with what it is I'm looking for, as I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am, however, finding myself more capable to enjoy each day. I'm no longer dreading waking up, or trying hard to look for the next thing as a way of getting by. I'm much more able to just take things in stride. I'm far from a finished product in my development as a person, and I understand that I always will be. I'm okay with that. I will continue to work to be better.

I can also see how some of you who read this will be turned away by the touchy-feely bullshit, but, that I'm okay with as well. I'm not embarrassed. I was a pretty big mess when I left school, probably an even bigger one when I left home. I have no problem airing this. I'm sincerely grateful for everyone who has been there to talk to me while I'm trying to figure this out. I'm fortunate to have really great friends that are supportive and patient, even when it can be difficult. I'm incredibly lucky to have family that cares and loves me even at times when I cannot understand or truly accept those feelings. I'm working on it. I'm getting closer.

As I said, tomorrow I will depart the warm home of my aunt and get back on the road. The next stop after touching base with the people I know here will be Tennessee. I'm split between Nashville or Knoxville as I'm trying to find some places to play a bit of music. I'll also have a quick stop in Birmingham, AL. After that, I don't know. I may start looking to raise the funds and start working my way back west. Or maybe I'll head North up the East-coast. I'm not really sure. I do know that I'm much closer to coming home than I thought I ever would be. I feel like I've just left. I feel like I've always been on the road. We shall see. Thanks again, everyone.

Also, new demo. It's rough, but what do I do that isn't. If I were striving for polish, I'd have nothing to show.

The Good Wives - Mississippi Soft Water by jacobbruggman